First of all, how dare you.
Second of all, You don’t scare me anymore.
You see, I saw you in Target the other day. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t run to the bathroom and cry. I walked by you as if you were a normal person. I didn’t even acknowledge your existence.
And that’s a big deal, because up until a few months ago even meeting someone with the same first name as you was enough to make me break out into a cold sweat. But not anymore. And I can’t tell you how great that feels.
For so many years, you’ve had this invisible hold on me. I couldn’t allow myself to be happy. I couldn’t allow myself to be loved. And even though I forgave you, I wasn’t healed from you.
But I am now. I am completely and totally free from you.
AND I COULD SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS, BECAUSE IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING.
You don’t scare me anymore.
However, that doesn’t mean the Depression you caused will go away. It won’t. It hasn’t. Some days I’m fine, and others I’m not at all fine. Some nights I lie in bed and feel nothing. Some nights I lie in bed and feel everything. And I don’t know which is worse.
But I do know this: I’m a different person than I was 5 (almost 6) years ago.
And I’ve learned things from you I might have never learned. They’ve made me a better person. So, I guess in a way, I’m saying thank you, but I’m not really.
I’ve become stronger.
I’ve become more open at my struggles with depression, anxiety, anorexia, and even you.
And one day, I’ll meet a guy, and he’ll be fantastic. Maybe I’ve already met him, and he is fantastic. Either way, one day, I’ll tell him the whole story.
And he’ll probably be mad (if he’s a good guy, he’ll be mad), but I’ll tell him to forgive you, to have compassion for you like I do.
I have compassion for you, because I don’t know the whole reason why you decided to get your friends together and sexually assault me after I turned you down. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you had a rough family life. I don’t know.
Whatever the reason, I hope you’re in a better place now. And I want you to know that me having compassion on you, is not the same as justifying what you did. Because I will never do that. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Time changes a person.
I hope if you ever find somebody who loves you, that you’ll treat her with the respect she deserves.
I hope one day you can ask for forgiveness for what you did to me–not from me. From God. I don’t know where your relationship with God is, or if you even believe in God. But I hope one day you do.
Because everything He’s done for me, He can do for you, too.