Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, marking the start of Suicide Prevention Week–I feel like a hypocrite for even mentioning it. Because this last month and a half has been the worst time of my life mentally–my depression has come back with a vengeance, and coupled with the overwhelming anxiety I feel on the daily, it’s felt like a hurricane has ripped through my soul: total destruction everywhere, levees broken, the walls of my body destroyed. This last month and a half has seen countless panic attacks and flashbacks, overwhelming suicidal thoughts, me almost driving into a tree, and, unfortunately, it’s also seen me relapsing–self-harming again after not doing it in 7 years.
It’s also seen me reach out more–ask for help. Depression has this way of making me feel like I’m the worst person in the world; that I deserve everything that has happened to me. So, normally, I pull away, revert back into myself. Because here’s the thing: when the demons attack, sometimes I’m afraid that I won’t make it out of the battle. I pull away to soften the blow, to lessen the crater that my departure might leave. I’ve come to realize over this last month that when the bomb drops, people will get hurt whether I pull away or not–I’d rather confide in people and have them care about me than walk through this storm alone, even if sometimes I feel like an inconvenience. Even if I feel like letting people in, telling them what’s going on in my brain is a burden to them.
We all need people.
Even though you’re trying as hard as you can to pull away from people, they just won’t stop caring about you.
And so I kept living despite the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of worthlessness, the thoughts in my head telling me I should not be here.
And so I kept living despite the thoughts I’ve had for as long as I can remember: I can’t go to school today because it’s going to burn down; I can’t get out of bed because the floor’s going to collapse; I can’t go out for recess because the world’s going to explode.
And so I kept living despite those thoughts that, apparently, most people do not have every day for their whole lives.
And so I kept living despite the shame of my past, the weight of it all, the regret, the hurt of what others have done to me and what I have done to myself.
And so I kept living despite the “I’m sorry”s, the number of times I’ve written and ripped up the words: To whoever finds this.
And so I kept living despite how scared I am of the dark, how weak I feel.
And so I kept living because if I didn’t, I never would have gone to Guatemala and led a young girl to Christ.
And so I kept living because the Buffalo Bills have not won a Super Bowl, and I’ll be darned if I kill myself before I see that.
And so I kept living because I want to fall in love, even though I’m terrified of being hurt.
And so I kept living because I still have so many jokes left in me to tell, so many words within me just waiting to be written, so much laughter left to burst forth from my mouth.
And so I kept living because of the cotton candy that paints the sky during sunrises and sunsets.
And so I kept living because there are so many books in this world I have not yet read, so many places I have not yet seen.
And so I kept living because sometimes all this pain that I’m feeling, all the hurt, remind me that I’m alive.
And so I kept living because the most vicious thunderstorms produce the most beautiful rainbows, and I want to be beautiful.
And so I kept living because I am not alone, and I have a God that is bigger than all my shame, all my hurt, all my fear.
And so I kept living because if I can help just person know they’re not alone, then let me do that.