There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, too many to count. But, to make some sense of what is going on, I am writing this blog post. These thoughts have come to fruition because of conversations I’ve had over the last few days, and because of things I’ve read.
1. Graduation is coming, sooner than I originally realized. My locker, my security through 4 years of high school, stands empty. I cleaned it out for the last time Thursday. There’s nothing left in it. My whiteboard filled with reminders of things to bring home is gone. The mirror I used to steal a quick glance of myself between classes, that I used to fix my hair, that I used to make sure I looked semi-presentable, is gone. As one of my friends mentioned, lockers are more than hunks of steel; they are a part of everyday life in High School. Even though mine was pretty bare, save the whiteboard, mirror, empty boxes of food, and my books and binders, it holds great memories. I’ll miss the Autistic Kid who shared a locker next to mine. I’ll miss the way he could always put a smile on my face, and the way he talked about dinosaurs and Pokemon. And even though I was never the girl who had crushes meet me at my locker, because every guy I seem to have a crush on barely gives me the time of day, my friends and I had great talks there.
2. A lot can change in 4 years. I’ve gone from a quiet, insecure Freshman to a loud, sometimes obnoxious,sometimes confident, mostly insecure Senior. 4 years of emotional pain. 4 years of relentless bullying. 4 years of being talked about. 4 years of being on the outside, of being an outcast are ending (the change that has occurred over the last 4 years is how the book I’m writing is ending. It’s only fitting seeing as how it ends at Graduation).
3. I’ve realized that the friends that I want to keep in touch with are the ones I’ve had meaningful conversations with. They are a part of me, and they are the ones that encourage me daily.
4. I keep thinking that I’m a horrible human being. I’ve lost friends over the last few years, and while some relationships are beginning to heal, I know they’ll never be the same. And I can’t dwell on that. I can’t change the past, and I know that. But I regret the mistakes that I’ve made, and the words that I’ve left unsaid. And no matter how hard I try to live in the present, and live in hope of the future, I keep returning to the “used to be’s.” I’m learning to use the things that have happened to help others. I’m learning not to focus on the negatives, but to focus on the positives that have developed out of the negatives. Does it make me a horrible person for wanting to change my past? Does it make me a horrible person for making people aware of the bad things in life?
5. I keep thinking about how I wish I could change myself. I want to be better at talking about my feelings, instead of writing them out. I want to change how I look. I constantly compare myself to others, even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s not healthy. “If I were a little bit skinnier, if I were prettier, maybe then I’d be happier with myself.” I wish I could change the fact that I get loud and obnoxious whenever a guy I like is within a 50m radius of me. I wish I had more self-confidence.
6. I keep thinking about people who keep their feelings bottled up, hidden behind 300 ft high concrete walls, because they don’t want to get hurt. I realized that getting hurt is in the cards for most people. I continually put myself out there through my writing, and I continually get hurt again and again. It’s a never ending cycle, but it makes me stronger. And after a while, it stings less.
7. I keep thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. The fact that I really have no idea terrifies me.
8. This is a petty, not very important thought, but I wonder if I’ll ever find a boyfriend. I know I’m not the ‘ideal’ girl; my past is rocky at best; I read too much, and I let the characters become real; I day dream more than I should; I hurt when people around me are hurting; I’m a hopeless romantic; I’m secretly a nerd at heart, and learning new things is my favorite thing to do. I fight for things that are important to me. I stand up for those who won’t defend themselves. I’m stubborn, and I talk more than I should about things that I have strong opinions on. My self-esteem is low, but it is gradually increasing. I’m still a little kid at heart, and I want to believe that I live in a fairy-tale dreamworld. I have too many blonde moments to count, and I wish my life were a Jane Austen novel.
Maybe one day, I’ll be somebody’s kind of perfect.