Words

“If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. ”
Dave Barry

I like words. As a person who is better at writing out my feelings, I am reliant on words to share how I feel; I have to make the words describe how I feel without the use of my facial expressions or my inflection.

Over the years, I have learned many words. Some of them are inherently funny, and some of them are just fun to say. So, being the unmotivated person I am who has nothing really philosophical to say, here is a list of some of  my favorite words.

• Doppelganger- a ghostly double.
• Behoove- necessary or beneficial. For some reason unbeknownst to me, every time I see this word I picture me as a horse. It must be because horses have hooves.
• Serendipity- good fortune, luck. This word is so… bubbly. But “serendipitous” is better.
• Flabbergasted- astounded
• Coccyx- tailbone.
• Hullabaloo- an uproar
• Ish- somewhat, rather. This word is intended to be used as a suffix, as in “noonish.” But, often I just use it as a word to describe my mood, as in a syllable for blah. 
• Conniption- a fit of rage
• Subtle- not immediately obvious. This word is great because the subtly slipped a “b” in that word.
• Persnickety- to be fussy about small details. This word reminds me of Lemony Snicket. 
• quixotic- impractical
• Supercalifragilisiticexpialidocious

Spanish has a lot of funny words.

• Cacahuete- peanut
• mantequilla- butter
• limpiaparabrisas- windshield wipers
• hablaba- used to talk
• palomitas-popcorn
• zanahoria- carrot
• porque- because
• muchedumbre- crowd
• rascacielo- skyscraper
• ito/a- a suffix that makes something little. Hermanita- little sister
• sonrisa- smile
• esperanza- hope
• repollo- cabbage

To be quite honest, all Spanish words are so fun to say–it’s one of the most beautiful, musical languages ever. If you know someone who speaks it, have them say something to you (same with any of the Romance languages–they are so musical).

As a writer, I also en0y making up my own words, which is why I like Dr. Seuss and Lewis Carroll’s “Jabberwocky.”

“I’d like to say a few words: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” – Albus Dumbledore

Words are great.

But, I’d urge you all to use words cautiously. Words can be extremely damaging.

Who doesn’t love this song?

I’m Guilty

of having guilty pleasures. We all have them, and here are mine (not all of them are guilty pleasures, some are just the little things)

1. Stumble Upon/Tumblr

These two websites are my go-to places when I want to waste time (or I don’t really want to waste time).

2. The Beatles

Yes, they are before my time, but who doesn’t like a little “British Invasion” every now and then?

3.  Fuzzy Socks

 I own about 10 pairs of these socks. When I’m having a bad day, they are the first things I put on.

4. Nicholas Sparks

Yes, his books are so cliche. But, let’s be honest, everybody needs to read some romantic chick lit every now and then.

5. The Twilight Series

These books are written horribly and are probably best suited for use as Emergency Toilet Paper, but every time I need a laugh, I read a chapter or two.

6.  Oatmeal Creme Pies

For some reason, I can never eat just one of the creamy deliciousness that are Oatmeal Creme Pies (in fact, I could probably eat a whole box).

7.  The Bachelor/the Bachelorette

These are not quality television shows at all, but for some reason, I find myself being absorbed into the drama that unfolds each season.

8. Facebook Stalking

I Facebook stalk everybody. Meet somebody new? Facebook stalk them. Have a new crush? Facebook stalk them. Hear about somebody from some one? Facebook stalk them. I’m a pro.

9. YouTube

You can find a video about anything on YouTube–people laughing, music, annoying voices, stupid answers, etc.

10. Tabloids

I know, tabloids are horrible stuff. But, sometimes it’s refreshing to know that Celebrities don’t have it all together and are not as well off as they might seem.

11. Music in general

That’s my medicine, yo.

12. Internet Memes

13. Bloopers

TV bloopers are the funniest things to watch. The shows with the best bloopers are: The Big Bang Theory, Psych, Grey’s Anatomy and Bones.

 

There are countless others, but I really have no motivation to finish this post, and I’m too tired to really care. So I’m going to end with (SURPRISE!) a YouTube Video.

I have Decided

I have reached that pivotal point in my existence when I need to make some tough decisions. Where am I going to go to college? What do I want to major in? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

As for the college bit I have some answers. I am going to Roberts Wesleyan College next year to double major in English and Spanish.

This decision was made in the last month and a half. You see, originally I wanted to be an Engineer and do a 3-2 program with RIT for Mechanical Engineering. But then I took Physics and Calculus, two pivotal things an Engineer needs, and my brain exploded. Without warning, my brain got confused to the point where it quit. So obviously, being an Engineer wasn’t going to work out.

Why English and Spanish you might ask? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. It may be because I have always enjoyed writing. I wrote my first short story in 2nd grade (it was a great story, by the way. I just wish I could find it). And I’ve always been better at expressing myself in writing rather than out loud. As for Spanish, being bilingual is a trait that is highly sought after by employers.

 

What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who knows. I do know that I want to write a book. Which is something else I have decided to do now.

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed, questioning everything, typing all my thoughts into my iPhone’s notepad when BAM! Out of left field I was hit in the head with a marvelous book idea: my story, or as I like to call it, “Out of the Ashes.”

You see, I have one of those “powerful” testimonies as some people like to call it. And apparently I have the gift of writing, or something And over the past few years I have written many, many things detailing my frustration, my feelings, my thoughts, the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve written poems, countless letters to God that need to be shared, Facebook notes, blog posts, journal entries all outlining my struggle. I haven’t quite worked out the details of all this yet, because literally I’m just shocked that this idea came to me so suddenly (call it a moment of inspiration, or a moment of genius, or a moment of madness, or whatever you will).

All I know is that I have found my voice, and maybe this book will help others find theirs.

It’s a Real Place

The State of Confusion, that is. And it seems that I have taken up a temporary residence there. At least I hope it is. I’m not ready to pack up all my stuff, and leave my friends and family. I can’t imagine myself living in a place that looks like a scene out of Dr. Seuss or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I can’t imagine there being a place where the laws of physics don’t stand: Doors change sizes, things are edible that shouldn’t be edible (if you haven’t seen the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about).

But, I digress.

I’m at that point in my life where I’m straddling the fence between childhood and adulthood. I’m a Senior in High School, and I’m getting ready to start college. And this is the point where I’m starting to become less sure of things. And by things, I mean almost everything. My life used to be like a math equation–straightforward and yielding the correct answer. Life was clear. It was black and white. I could easily decide the choices to make, the answers I was looking for.

Not so much anymore. I miss the simplicity. The classes I am taking this year as a Senior are pushing me to think outside of my comfort zone of thought; they are pushing me to think about things that challenge me as a human. No more are the lines black and white. They have become a blur, a mix of grey. And that’s what terrifies me. I’m having doubts about things I’ve always been sure of; I’m questioning things that are challenging, and confusing.

I’m starting to question who I am, and who I want to be. I’m starting to question what I want to do with my life, what my purpose is. I have tough questions about society, God, faith, religion, etc. And I’m not looking for answers. I’m looking for people to talk with. I’m looking to make some sense of this new found confusion.

Because at the moment, my mail can be sent to: the State of Confusion.

“Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly.” ~ U. Peter

“Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!” ~ William Shakespeare

(Dis) Connected

Notification. Notification. Message. Friend Request.

As much as I love Facebook, I hate it equally as much (and by Facebook I mean all social media, but I am most familiar with Facebook). Facebook allows people to see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear. Don’t want somebody’s  depressing or annoying or too self-oriented statuses in your News Feed? Unfriend. Don’t want people swearing every other word (can’t blame you there)? Unfriend.

One of the main things that bothers me about social media-ing  is that it causes its biggest users (my generation) to be very bad at communication and friend making.

Recently, a few of my Facebook Friends posted statuses about the amount of “useless” information that gets posted on Facebook. I have to say that I agree with them. Don’t agree? Go to your home page. How many of the News Feed stories are teenagers ‘liking’ this page, or ‘liking’ that page? I’m willing to bet a large number of them. Still don’t agree? Click on ‘Notes’ on the left hand side of the homepage. How many of those notes are pointless surveys with pointless questions? I’m still willing to bet a majority of them are.
I can’t say I’m not guilty of doing both those things, because I’m not. I have done those things. But I’ve also written notes that make people think, and that show I’m not some self-centered teenager who isn’t capable of thinking outside the ‘normal’ realm of teenage thinking.
The question is: What has happened to society to make Facebook become some egotistical land for teenagers to post useless pieces of information that nobody really wants to know about their lives? I don’t really have a great answer to that. However, I do know that teenagers will follow whatever is popular. If many people are ‘liking’ this, or doing this survey that asks these personal questions, they will too.
For those who are not friends with many teenagers on Facebook, here is what I mean.
Recently some of my friends ‘liked’ these pages: “it feels like christmas was ages ago:O but it was only yesterday xx ,”
“the person who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle. but still wants you in there life :)..” There’s nothing wrong with ‘liking’ these harmless pages, but people don’t really want them spamming up their News Feed.
Some Facebook Surveys that my friends have completed recently have included questions like

“Would you rather have long or short hair?” “When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?”

What exactly are the point of these surveys? What do they accomplish? Nothing really. Sure they may help you get to know people better. But on what level? You become ‘friends’ because they have common interests or they go to the same school as you. But how much do you develop that ‘friendship’ into a relationship? Until you sit down and have a REAL conversation with them, you won’t know what they are really like. Until you find out their thoughts on life and the world, you can’t really understand them. And since when has somebody’s value been based on how many Facebook friends somebody has? I find more value in my real friends, thank you very much.
I feel as though Facebook is becoming less of a uniter and more of a divider.
I feel as though it is becoming egotistical and doesn’t allow people to develop healthy relationships.
Lastly, I feel that it allows people to pretend to be somebody they’re not. It’s easy to lie on pointless surveys, and it’s easy to like pointless pages because their popular. But it’s not easy to lie when you are sitting face-to-face having a conversation about philosophies on life.

There is a disconnect between people who can message people on Facebook and those who can actually sit down and have a conversation face-to-face. So, what causes this disconnect?

The sheer busyness of peoples’ lives today definitely plays an impact. Technology definitely provides a convenient way of communicating. People these days are constantly on the move. It’s easier to find a spare minute to send a text, email, or a Facebook message than it is to find a big chunk of time to actually sit down and have a REAL conversation with somebody. It’s just a quick type, type, type. Click send. Then wait for a reply. And with all the snazzy mobile devices that allow people to check their email or Facebook anywhere, people can be doing pretty much anything while having a “Conversation.”

 

Also, the lack of face-to-face contact makes it easier to create a facade. It’s very easy to pretend to care about someone’s problems when they send you an email or text. Hit delete and it’s gone. On the contrary, it is VERY hard to forget what was talked about in a heart-to-heart conversation. Similarly, it’s also incredibly easy to create a, for lack of a better word, alter ego. If people don’t know the true you, they won’t be able to see through the act being put on. It’s a lot easier to hide behind this wall of fakeness and deception when not communicating face-to-face.

 

However, I think the biggest cause is laziness. How easy is it to send out a mass email or text message? Incredibly simple. A heck of a lot easier than gathering everybody together to give the same message.

 

Those are my opinions on this particular topic. But I’m just a 17 year old girl, so what do I know?

 

I do know that the Technological  era we are living in now has significantly reduced the number of real relationships people have these days. People are slowly losing the ability to relate and communicate to people on a personal level. If this is what technology is doing to this generation, imagine what the next generation will be like. And that thought is what makes me scared for them.

I used to use Facebook to create a fake person.
Now, I use Facebook to create relationships, develop relationships, and to show that I am capable of thinking deeper. I’m not just a one-layered, self-absorbed teenager.
I have many layers. And I care about others. I care about the world.

So is Facebook becoming too egotistical?
Or is it promoting relationships?

Is it causing us to become more connected or more disconnected?

I’ll leave you to answer those questions.

 

*Here’s the thing, I can’t say I’m not guilty of these things. Because I am. I have an iPhone so I have social media at my hand whenever I wish to catch up on what is happening in the world of Social Media. But, sometimes, I think it’s better to sit down and have an actual conversation. 

 

 

Pandora’s Box

Here’s the thing about people: Everybody has secrets. Some secrets are minor, petty things that, if found out, wouldn’t drastically change peoples’ lives. But, some are major. Some secrets are capable of causing immense pain, conflict, drastic opinion changes. Here’s another thing about secrets: people are not very good about keeping them.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure.”

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

“Pinky-promise”

Baloney.

Once somebody hears a secret, they can’t keep it to themselves. So they tell one other person. Who tells one other person. And so it spreads like a wildfire over a parched, dying forest who hasn’t had a long drink in 20 years. And I’m not saying everybody treats secrets that way, because some people do. Some people are trustworthy; some people understand what it’s like to have feelings, thoughts, emotions that are terrifying.

This is all fine and dandy, but by now I’m sure some of you are wondering, “You’re 17. What kind of secrets could you possibly have?”

Trust me, I have plenty. I have some that I still haven’t shared. I have some that I have shared. I have hurt. I have fears. And the more people find out about my innermost thoughts and feelings, the more I get pushed to the outside. The more I’m judged. The more I hurt. And that’s not the way it should be.

By telling people your secrets, you are placing them in your confidence. You are trusting them not to betray that confidence. You are trusting them to be there for you when you need someone to talk to. You are trusting them with a part of you that doesn’t always see the light of day.

And when it doesn’t work out, mass devastation occurs. Almost like Pandora’s Box in an odd way. You see, when people are curious to get to know the real you, they will keep pushing and pushing, hoping that you open up. And once you do, sometimes they instantly regret it. Because the secret is too much, they can’t handle it. Ignorance is bliss.

That’s one case.

Sometimes, sharing secrets does work out. People respect you more. You find that group of friends who will ask “How you doin’?” and mean it. They have all your trust. Sometimes things work out better than you could hope for.

Sometimes…

Sometimes…

Not always…

Secrets are a delicate thing. Respect them.

To end with is a little poem I wrote a while ago.

Secrets

The book of my past is kept under lock and key.

It’s hidden in the back of the bookcase, behind all the fairy tales and happy endings.

Part horror, part adventure, part mystery, part romance,

it lies there, unfinished.

There’s still much to be said, much to be written.

And I’ve kept it a secret.

I’ve hidden it from the sight of the judgmental, the ‘superior,’ the hater.

And, sadly, also from the ones that care.

In this book of secrets, is a song.

A song singing the words of my heart,

“While my heart’s crying, my face is smiling.

I’ve become a Master of Deception.

Can you see the pain past the smile I wear?

Or are you too absorbed in your own world to care?”

I fear that Pandora’s box will reappear.

My Book of Secrets has been opened.

People have heard my song.

They’ve heard my thoughts, my feelings.

And they care.

Yet, the sad song continues.

It will never go away.

 

The Only Thing We Have to Fear…

…is fear itself. So said Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the 32nd President of the United States. So, what is fear? Fear, according to Dictionary.com, is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; that feeling or condition of being afraid. As humans, we are programmed to have fear. It acts as a survival instinct.

So, what do I fear? I fear a variety of things. Some are intense phobias, and others are just mild disdain. My intense phobias vary. Some are common, while others are not. I have an extreme hatred of the following things:

1. Heights:   I can’t even get 5 feet off the ground without my heart beginning to beat rapidly, my palms becoming sweaty, and my head beginning to spin. I can distinctly remember going to Niagara Falls in 8th grade and waiting in line for the Maid of the Mist. In order to get on the Maid of the Mist, you have to cross this bridge above the water. Not only was this bridge too far above the river for my liking, but it was also see-through. As soon as I stepped one foot on the bridge, I froze; my friends had to literally force me across the bridge.

2. Closed Spaces: There’s something about being in a tight space that makes me feel like the walls are moving together, squeezing me in. It reminds me of the scene from Star Wars when the trash compactor walls are moving, and Hans Solo says, “Well, one thing’s for sure, we will all be a lot thinner.” When we went to Washington D.C, my family all wanted to go inside the Washington Monument. Not me. It wasn’t just the height that bothered me, it was the thought of the tight, enclosed stairway that had me hyperventilating.

3. Spiders:  Enough said. Who doesn’t hate spiders? They’re creepy, and yucky, and gross. If I lose one in my room, I sleep downstairs. If there’s one in my shower, I stealthily throw something at it to knock it down, and then drown it.

4. Clowns:  They are one of the creepiest things on the planet. I’ve never had a bad experience with clowns that I recall, but it’s something about not knowing what the person looks like behind all the makeup that freaks me out.

Now for the lesser fears, or the things I disdain.

5. Brooms: As I child, I was terrified of brooms. We have on video, my reaction to seeing a broom in a book. Although I have outgrown this fear, I still prefer not to use brooms, which means I can never be a Janitor!

6. Snakes: They creep me out, especially the big ones at the zoo. Yuck.

As much as those things terrify me and freak me out, I can honestly say that those aren’t what terrify me the most. What terrifies me the most is being judged and not being taken seriously. When I’m around people, I’m afraid that every whisper, every finger point, every laugh is aimed at my direction. I’m afraid that silently people are judging me. And I know it’s a ridiculous thought because I also know that many people don’t notice me. So to think that every person I see is judging me is pure nonsense.

As for the not being taken seriously, that one has some value. I am at this point in my life where I am really struggling with my views on the world, my views on life, religion, God, society. And being that I am struggling, I also have a lot of opinions and thoughts on just about everything, which terrifies me even more. I fear that people don’t take my thoughts seriously, or give my questions much value because I am 17. I haven’t experienced enough of the world to have such questions and opinions. About 2 months ago, I wrote a note on Facebook containing questions that I have had about life and the universe and God and free will and just about anything that you can imagine. I got no feedback. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I still wonder about those questions everyday. I still wonder. And it terrifies me.

Time waits for no man

A minute: 60 seconds. An hour:60 minutes, 3600 seconds. A day: 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds.

Time is a standard unit of measure, but the duration can vary. Of course, the amount of seconds that a minute contains stays the same. It’s our perception of the amount of time that has passed which changes. A minute on Christmas Eve night, waiting for Santa to arrive, seemed to take forever. And then there’s that split second of pure terror when you step up to climb into a van and realize you’re falling. That second of wondering if anyone is going to catch you feels like an eternity.And with only seconds to spare, somebody does indeed push you back up.  When you’re having the time of your life, time just seems to zoom by as if it is a rocket headed for the sky. Because everybody knows that time flies when you’re having fun.

And we always seem to forget to look at a clock.

“Sorry I am late. It seems that I lost track of time.”

And it seems that we are always pressed for time, because rarely does one say that they have too much time on their hands. Instead a,

“If I only had 9 more hours in a day, I could maybe get all my work done” is more commonly heard.

And time heals all wounds.

Eh. I have a problem with that. I don’t believe that time heals all wounds (and I may be totally off base with this). Because you will always remember the hurt, the pain that you’ve been through. To me, time seems to just scar the wound over. It’s still there, but almost unnoticeable. Like the scars from a major surgery. As the scars fade, the become faint, harder to see. But if you look really closely, they are still there. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it just makes them last noticeable.

When giving advice to friends, I usually just say, “Give it time.” Because, not to sound cliche, but it usually works. Time has this amazing way of working things out. In arguments, it allows both parties time to cool off. In relationships with people, it gives people time to think, time to realize what they want.

Cliches about time are often over used. But most of them are justified.

 

 

Monster under the Bed

“Daddy! There’s a monster under my bed!”

As Children, we were ever watchful for the so-called “Monster Under the Bed” or “the Monster in the Closet.” After turning off the light-switch, we would proceed to try and beat the dark–to make it in the bed before the Monster got us (because everybody knows that monsters only come out at night when it’s dark); this would often result in diving onto the bed, bruising something, or banging something in the process. But it was worth it. We beat the monsters.

We’d also avoid sticking our limbs off the bed, because everybody knows that the monsters eat our limbs. And no matter how hot it got, we’d always sleep under the covers (although, I must admit, I still do this).

When I was really little, I remember begging my daddy to “tay me bit more” (stay with me a little bit longer) because I “saw” monsters in my closet, or, since my mattress is/was on the floor, “swimming” around my bed. My monsters always resembled alligators, and at some point I gave them names (not that I remember their names…).

At some point in our growing up, we moved past this “Monster under the Bed” phase, not because Monsters don’t exist, but because we realize they are inside us. They are in our minds telling us we are not worth it, we have no value, we are not beautiful. Unlike the monsters of our childhood, these ones do not go away when our parents search for them. “Super Daddy” can not fend off the monster with his magical powers. And they certainly don’t only come out when it’s dark (although, that is when they are most common).

These monsters try to distort the truth about us. These monsters are always on the prowl. All the time. Trying to make us their prey in this inner battle, trying to stop us from following our dreams. My monsters in particular are relentless about hurling these lies at me. They make me weak, and afraid to fight. They hinder me from following my dreams.

But, no longer. I will step out of my own shadow, follow my dreams, and break away.